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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
Don`t believe everything you think.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.