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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative