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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
What about a To-Don`t List?
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.