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I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.