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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.