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Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.