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Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.