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never be afraid to wipe twice
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
The difference between me & normal people is the normal