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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.