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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented ā¢ Which breed is your dad?
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when Iām done.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.