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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have sā¬x.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative