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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.