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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.