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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...