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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.