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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!