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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you donβt have the perfect one to post youβre really just ugly.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
I prefer to call it a βTa-Daβ list. Cause itβd be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to βWidowedβ, itβs time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Driving isnβt even in the top 5 things Iβm thinking about when Iβm driving.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
This day needs more yesterday.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.