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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?