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Will be drunk until further notice.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.