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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.