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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
is "insert clever remark here."
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?