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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.