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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.