Daily Silly Status

Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.

If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.

I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.

It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.

Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong

I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.

I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.

Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.

Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.

Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.

If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)

I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.