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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
I am the bestest at the English language...
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.