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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.