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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.