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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.