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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.