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I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Own the day
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.