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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion