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Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.