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If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.