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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.