Daily Silly Status

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.

Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.

I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.

* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts

Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....

You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.

Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.

Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!

We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.

Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.

I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.

Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"