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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.