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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.