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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar