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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........