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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
I`ve given up on giving up.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.