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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."