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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
My body needs a refresh button.