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Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?