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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".