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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2