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According to my nipples, summer is over
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
Plan B includes margaritas.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass