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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.