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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.