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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.