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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.