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As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.