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Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.