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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!