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My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.