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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance