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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.