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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.