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Dear Santa, I was framed!
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?