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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.