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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.