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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.